Hello, my name is REDACTED FOR SAFETY REASONS and I’m honored to share with you my 100% honest review of pop icon Taylor Swift’s latest album, “The Tortured Poets Department.”
Before I get to the review, I’d like to address rumors that critics like myself are afraid to be critical of (Queen) Swift’s amazing music. These scurrilous allegations suggest we’re afraid negative reviews will prompt Swift’s devoted (and wonderful) fans to come after us online and say mean things over and over again until we collapse into puddles of rightfully taunted critic goo.
That’s preposterous, as there have already been some (extremely dumb) less-than-stellar reviews of Swift’s new album by people who have mysteriously disappeared from public view. Also, many in the media no longer have time for critical reviews of Taylor Swift because they’ve moved on to writing about whether people are getting tired of reading so much about Taylor Swift.
But I digress.
As an established critic for PUBLICATION NAME REDACTED FOR SAFETY REASONS, I don’t think music reviews are of any real importance to the world. Who cares what some random writer like me thinks about music? If you like an album, listen to it; if you don’t, don’t listen to it. I should not factor into that decision.
Anyhoo, here’s my completely worthless review of “The Tortured Poets Department,” which I love and would literally die for, along with my review of Swift’s next album, which has not yet been announced.
With the release of her highly anticipated “The Tortured Poets Department,” superstar Taylor Swift has definitely released another album. It includes songs – 31 of them! – and they are all very good, assuming you like them, which I definitely do.
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If you don’t like them, that’s fine, you can just shut up about it because nobody really cares what you think. Music is meant to be enjoyed, and some people enjoy certain sounds and words while other people enjoy other types of sounds and words, and some people don’t like any words at all, just sounds.
It’s a free country. Dig what you dig.
Swift’s words and sounds on this new album, as on previous albums, are good and important and meaningful to people who like her and also like her mouth-sounds and the accompanying music. That’s cool. Liking music is a great thing, so maybe just enjoy it and don’t make a big deal out of an artist’s album if it doesn’t happen to be exactly what you wanted it to be.
Some people like Nickelback. That’s their damn business, not yours. Geez.
Perhaps the most powerful aspect of Swift’s new album is its ability to absolutely drown people in whirlpools of over-analysis when maybe, just maybe, folks should give it a listen and be like “Yeah, that’s really good, I like it” or “Hmmm, not exactly my bag, I’m gonna put on some Nickelback” and then move on with their lives.
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Bazillions of people love Swift and her music, and I think that’s cool, because people deserve to love things, and if the lyrics make them happy or sad or emotive, YAY! That’s a good thing.
Also, if me saying the album is amazing because I’m a tiny bit afraid her fans might come after me is wrong, I don’t want to be right, because in this case being right might be super humiliating and hard.
So I’m going to go with “this album marks a high point in Swift’s career and will resonate deeply with her fans for years to come,” because that’s probably true and, at the end of the day, who gives a crap what I think?
Swift is a wildly popular billionaire, and I’m not. Scoreboard.
Regarding her next album, it will be equally fantastic, if not better, because ... well, you know.
Just like what you like, people. Who am I to say otherwise?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to join my media colleagues in the quest to determine who is responsible for putting out so much news about Taylor Swift.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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